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ID* - 05/07/2008 09:35 AM
#1
[Writing] Improve your writing, get it revised by others
We had this thread before, checking other people's writing.

So shall I go first? \)

Here's the text.

Despite the intensive and short period of the course, I was able to befriend with other students, especially those from Hong Kong. I am very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi’s managerial accounting. What I’ve experienced through this course is just inexplicable. BUT, I am confident that it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.

Feel free to edit.
shiroyukisanada - 05/07/2008 11:57 AM
#2
.
.....
kepalaseksi - 05/07/2008 12:52 PM
#3

i can't get it ??? whats the rules ??
shiroyukisanada - 05/07/2008 01:05 PM
#4

.....
kepalaseksi - 05/07/2008 01:11 PM
#5

got it o sorry o
shiroyukisanada - 05/07/2008 01:15 PM
#6

no prob lolz Peace:
ID* - 05/07/2008 04:35 PM
#7
:)
Quote:
Original Posted By shiroyukisanada
TS said it clearly on the post title

"[Writing] Improve your writing, get it revised by others"

He said to revise the writing here, that means you can edit his writing to your own version and then hopefully somebody gonna revise your version and so on.

its not necessary TS's writing,but anybody else could post his writings and let the others revise it as i can see....


hope it helps, and please rectify if i'm wrong, TS.

cheers.


good try.

Despite the intensive and short period of the course, I was able to make friends with other students, especially those from Hong Kong. I am very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi’s managerial accounting. What I’ve experienced through this course is simply exemplary. Overall, it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.

thats what i got \)
this is just an example.
people could post their essays and whatever they need that needs corrections.
SpartanGreen - 06/07/2008 03:39 AM
#8

Quote:
Original Posted By ID*


Despite the intensive and short period of the course, I was able to befriend with other students, especially those from Hong Kong. I am very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi’s managerial accounting. What I’ve experienced through this course is just inexplicable. BUT, I am confident that it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.



My version:

Despite the intensive and short nature of the course, I was able to befriend other students, especially those from Hong Kong. I was very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi’s managerial accounting. What I’ve experienced through this course was enlightening. BUT, I am confident that it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.

I'm not sure about the grammar... Im not very good at grammar in the first place. But i think i managed to lessen the awkwardness of a few sentences
Bettersinaga - 06/07/2008 04:47 AM
#9

Quote:
Original Posted By ID*
We had this thread before, checking other people's writing.

So shall I go first? \)

Here's the text.

Despite the intensive and short period of the course, I was able to befriend with other students, especially those from Hong Kong. I am very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi’s managerial accounting. What I’ve experienced through this course is just inexplicable. BUT, I am confident that it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.

Feel free to edit.


Here's the text

Despite the intensive and short amount of time of the course, i was able to befriend with other student, especially those who came from Hongkong. Ultimately, I'm very fortunate to have Prof. Choi as my lecturer in this managerial accounting's course. What i've experienced and learnt throughout the course was inexplicable and great. But one thing to be sure of, this course gave me huge amount of confidence and experience (knowledge)

he he this is my version (dont hate it but can comment on it)

ciao
Wylie - 06/07/2008 09:03 PM
#10

good thread, someday will be very usefull for me and others whose needed, thanks for the TS D
hungrybarts - 07/07/2008 07:48 AM
#11

hey can i submit an essay then get you guys to revise it?
well not now, someday D
SpartanGreen - 07/07/2008 07:51 AM
#12

sure... that's what the thread is for i think. That's perfectly ok.
rhejava - 12/07/2008 07:01 PM
#13

sounds great, but i have no idea what should i write in here
anslam - 13/07/2008 12:28 PM
#14

Quote:
Original Posted By ID*
We had this thread before, checking other people's writing.

So shall I go first? \)

Here's the text.

Despite the intensive and short period of the course, I was able to befriend with other students, especially those from Hong Kong. I am very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi’s managerial accounting. What I’ve experienced through this course is just inexplicable. BUT, I am confident that it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.

Feel free to edit.

your english is great. there're just a couple of things that're bothering me:

"I was able to befriend with other students"

it should either be "I befriended other students" or just a simple "I made friends, many of whom are from HK"

my version of your paragraph would be"

Despite the course's intensive and short period, I was able to make friends, many of whom are from HK. I am very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi's Managerial Accounting class. Although what I experienced throughout the course is mostly inexplicable, however, I can say for certain that it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.
Nunggggg - 14/07/2008 10:48 AM
#15

i want to explain my mind but i can't ...\)
boladela - 15/07/2008 05:46 AM
#16

Quote:
Original Posted By ID*

We had this thread before, checking other people's writing.

So shall I go first?

Here's the text.

Despite the intensive and short period of the course, I was able to befriend with other students, especially those from Hong Kong. I am very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi’s managerial accounting. What I’ve experienced through this course is just inexplicable. BUT, I am confident that it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.

Feel free to edit.


Just my two pennies...

"Despite the intensity and brevity of the course, I made friends with other students, especially those from Hong Kong. I am very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi's managerial accounting course. Words alone would not suffice to describe the experience that I have gained through this course but it was, without a doubt, an immensely positive one."
SpartanGreen - 15/07/2008 07:06 AM
#17

Ok... new excerpts for everyone to practice on. This paragraph was taken from an essay concerning American literatures and fiction during the period of the westward expansion. A paper i wrote several years ago when i was still an undergrad. I dont need it to be corrected per se as they're already been graded, but i just thought it might make a good practice.

Quote:
Dime novels will often leave its reader under the impression the West are a very simple place, it may be dangerous but simple nonetheless. There are usually two clear sides, good and bad, and it is clear which character is on which side. A brave, kind, unselfish, self-sacrificing character who cannot be defeated by his enemy and possess a saint-like quality is an even money bet to turn out to be the hero in almost any dime westerns. The early and more idealistic version of western heroes was perhaps a reflection of the Western landscape in its early days, naïve, idealistic, and simple. But over time these western heroes evolve and change. They evolve from the ideal image of a hero into characters such as Clint Eastwood’s Bill Munny from Unforgiven (1992) and the nameless detective of Dashiel Hammet’s Red Harvest. The evolution of fictional Western Heroes from an idealistic portrayal to a flawed anti-hero signifies the abandonment of romantic and ideal image of the western frontier and reflects its changing state of mind into a modern and mature civilization.

With the disappearance of American Indian as a viable threat, the western movement of settlers and homesteaders began. Perception of early settlements and life in the western frontier in its early days was perhaps a little convoluted due to the lack of true and detailed account. Nevertheless, many writers believe this period of western history as a significant part of American identity and they were captivated with the idea of romanticizing the West and ended up portraying it in an ideal and simple manner. Often times, that means that they were not particularly concerned with reality and excluding complexity in their depiction of life in the western frontier. Frederick Elkin’s journal “The Psychological Appeal of the Hollywood Western” deals with the creation of trends in western fiction. Concerning the characteristic of a western fiction, particularly the ones that was heavy its romanticism of the west, he commented, “There are two basic characteristic to all westerns—action and simplicity” (74). Simplicity means that there’s always a clear distinction between the good and the bad, and no in-between or gray areas. There could be no complexity in a western because it would compromise its romantic and ideal image. The society was influenced to accept the view the romantic and ideal version of the west as a reality. The perception of the west was this ideal and simple realm, and it was only fitting that the western heroes of this era, as a reflection of that perception, were as ideal and romantic as the realm that they represented.


Give it your best shot...
KIDRoach - 15/07/2008 09:28 PM
#18

Just an undergrad giving his best shot... \)

Been a while since I was here... army:


Quote:

Dime novels will often leave its reader under the impression the West is a very simple place, it may be dangerous but simple, nonetheless. There are usually [If it's clear, why put a "usually" ?] two clear sides, good and bad, and it is clear which character is on which side. A brave, kind, selfless, self-sacrificing character who cannot be defeated by his enemy ["invincible" a better word?] and possess a saint-like quality is an even money bet [Not exactly sure if that's the right phrase you wanna use. You wanna be sure, but "Even Money Bet" is a 50% chance ] to turn out to be the hero in almost any dime westerns. The early and more idealistic version of western heroes was [Grammar! Use was, or use "Heroes". Don't use both. ] perhaps a reflection of the Western landscape in its early days, naïve, idealistic, and simple. But over time, [Use of commas, very important army: ] these western heroes evolve and change. They evolve from the ideal image of a hero into characters such as Clint Eastwood’s Bill Munny from Unforgiven (1992) and the nameless detective of Dashiel Hammet’s Red Harvest. The evolution of fictional Western Heroes from an idealistic portrayal to a flawed anti-hero signifies the abandonment of romantic and ideal image of the western frontier and reflects its changing state of mind into a modern and mature civilization.

With the disappearance of American Indian as a viable threat, [Can be rephrased to make it better ] the western movement of settlers and homesteaders began. Perception of early settlements and life in the western frontier in its early days was perhaps a little convoluted due to the lack of true and detailed account. Nevertheless, many writers believe this period of western history as a significant part of the American identity and they were captivated with the idea of romanticizing the West and ended up portraying it in an ideal and simple manner. Often times, that means that they were not particularly concerned with reality and excludedcomplexity in their depiction of life in the western frontier. Frederick Elkin’s journal “The Psychological Appeal of the Hollywood Western” deals with the creation of trends in western fiction. Concerning the characteristic of a western fiction, particularly the ones that was [Inconsistent. "A western fiction", "the ones" "was" ]heavy with romanticism of the west, he commented, “There are two basic characteristics [Plural, always remember to use s] to all westerns [Unclear, write fully, western fictions, dime westerns, whatever but make sure it's cleararmy:]—action and simplicity” (74). Simplicity means that there’s always a clear distinction between the good and the bad, and no in-between or gray areas. There could be no complexity in a western [Again, incomplete and unclear, keep the reader in mind, make sure they understood what you meant.] because it would compromise its romantic and ideal image. The society was influenced to accept the view the [I thought "this view of a" would fit better, Just my .02 \) ] romantic and ideal version of the west as a reality. The perception of the west was this [I thought "an" would fit better ] ideal and simple realm, and it was only fitting that the western heroes of this era, as a reflection of that perception, were as ideal and romantic as the realm that they represented.




Not very good in English myself so I'll take corrections happilykissing:

Just my .02 \)
KIDRoach - 15/07/2008 09:32 PM
#19

Quote:
Original Posted By anslam
your english is great. there're just a couple of things that're bothering me:

"I was able to befriend with other students"

it should either be "I befriended other students" or just a simple "I made friends, many of whom are from HK"

my version of your paragraph would be"

Despite the course's intensive and short period, I was able to make friends, many of whom are from HK. I am very fortunate to have taken Prof. Choi's Managerial Accounting class. Although what I experienced throughout the course is mostly inexplicable, however, I can say for certain that it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.


Either use "However", or use the "although". Refrain from the use both of 'em ngacir:
KIDRoach - 15/07/2008 09:35 PM
#20

There is no good writing. There is only good "re-writing" \) Even professional writers make errors, be it grammatical, spelling or fragments. They get through those errors by "re-writing" their portfolio.
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