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boladela - 25/07/2008 05:45 AM
#41

Quote:
Original Posted By adirandom
Ghost

A big (cancelled the big - tautology involved as strapping also means 'big' in a way) strapping middle-aged man got off his car and approached a mansion he assumed to be a cozy tavern he might stay in. Standing courageously exactly in front of the old quiet house, he looked around a bit. He—somehow—started to feel bad when he saw someone—or something—that he might not want to see for the rest of his life. A woman-like with dark extremely-long hair was seen floating a few inches over the ground next to the big dwelling. She was staring at the terrified man with her jagged red eyes. The big man was speechlessly frozen. He realized that this phenomenon was too real to be impossible but—as well—too impossible to be real. That was his first time to feel as if his heart was taken out of his body. Fortunately, despite his abrupt unconsciousness, he managed to run away from where he had been standing for the longest time. Having got in his car, he drove away from there without looking back. Later on, he spent his entire life mostly on arguing people whose opinion was, “There is no such thing as ghosts.”


A strapping middle-aged man got off his car and approached a mansion he assumed to be a cozy tavern he might stay in. Standing courageously right in front of the old quiet house, he looked around a bit. He somehow started to feel bad when he saw someone-or something-that he might not want to see for the rest of his life: a womanish figure with extremely long dark hair, floating a few inches above the ground next to the big dwelling. She was staring at the terrified man with her jagged red eyes. The big man froze and was rendered speechless. He realized that this phenomenon was too real to be a hallucination but-simultaneously-too impossible to be real. This was his first time feeling as if his heart was taken out of his body. Fortunately, despite his momentary blackout, he managed to run away from where he had been standing for the longest time. Having gotten into his car, he drove away without looking back. Later on, he spent his entire life mostly on rebutting people whose opinion was "There is no such thing as ghosts."
SEVENPOINT7 - 25/07/2008 08:49 PM
#42

Quote:
Original Posted By adirandom
Oh my God. I'm sorry, dude. There are too many grammatical mistakes. I have to be honest. First, I'm going to give you the corrections and then write my version.

Here we go.

There are so many things we don’t know well about our mind. [COLOR="Black"]In generally--either "In general" or "Generally", we use our mind for thinking about all we want. Sometimes we use it for find (finding) the way out of our problems and solve it (not necessary, solving it? what's "it"? problems? Isn't it supposed to be "them"?, remember (remembering)everything in past, or dreaming what we want in the future. In fact, our mind has many secret (many? watch plural....."secrets" that we don’t know until this day.

In some research about brain and mind, the researchers are finding (the research is done. it's supposed to be "found" a surprising fact. That is about when a people (people are plural. it's supposed to be "someone") will be died (is going to die.....you CANNOT make "die" passive verb, the last activity in his body is happening in his brain not in his heart. As we know the heart is the key of the....(scratch this one) life and when our heart is stop (stops) beating, we will die. But (scratch this! you can't put "but" in the beginning of a sentence know (maybe you mean "Now") we have to change that fact with when our mind is stop thinking about anything, that’s means we were die. (oh.....)

Ok let’s go to find out for another nice fact about our key of life, that is our mind. Maybe for some people, this fact likes an opinion. I don’t care about it, I just want to share it to anyone who reads it. We usually use our mind for thinking about something, maybe it is about a good thing or sometimes for a bad thing. If you are using your mind hardly for thinking about one thing, “tanpa kita sadari” it will be happening in the future. I will give an example here. All the people want to be a success person. But only half of it has a faith that they will be a great man in the future. In this case we can explain it in logic. When our mind starts thinking about a good future, “tanpa kita sadari” our body, our spirit, and our faith are growing up. They will appear to help us to solve every problem that we have. You will feel more confident. So you can through easily and see the bright future then.[/COLOR]........................lets just do my version.

My version:

There are so many facts we don’t know well about our mind. In general, we use our mind for thinking about all we want. Sometimes we use it for finding the way out of our problems, remembering everything in the past, or dreaming what we want in the future. In fact, our mind has many secrets that we don’t know anything about, until this day.

In some research about brain and mind, some researchers discovered a surprising fact: when someone is going to die, the last activity in his body is happening in one's brain--not in one's heart. As we all know, the heart is the key of life. "When our heart stops beating, we will die." Now, we have to change that fact. "When our mind stops thinking about something, we will die."

Let’s find out another nice fact about our new key of life, that is, our mind. Maybe for some people, the fact about our mind that I mentioned earlier, is merely a subjective opinion. I don’t care about it. I just want to share it to anyone who reads it. We usually use our mind for thinking about something--maybe it is about a good thing, or sometimes, it is about a bad thing. If you are using your mind for focusing intensively on one thing, somehow subconsciously, it will be happening in the future. I will give an example here. People want to be successful. However, only half of them have faith that they will be great in the future. There's a logical explanation for this case. When our mind starts thinking about a good future, we don't realize that our body, our spirit, and our faith are growing up, forming a new force of some sort of motivation. They will appear to help us solve every problem that we have. We will feel more confident. Therefore, we can get through the hard time easily and then, make the bright future we've always dreamed of, come true.


thx for ur correction. i appreciate it.
maybe i have to improve my writing again and again siul:
ok, i will write another short article again. and then i hope u will correct me later o

*and thanks for you all
adirandom - 26/07/2008 02:51 AM
#43

Quote:
Original Posted By boladela
A strapping middle-aged man got off his car and approached a mansion he assumed to be a cozy tavern he might stay in. Standing courageously right in front of the old quiet house, he looked around a bit. He somehow started to feel bad when he saw someone-or something-that he might not want to see for the rest of his life: a womanish figure with extremely long dark hair, floating a few inches above the ground next to the big dwelling. She was staring at the terrified man with her jagged red eyes. The big man froze and was rendered speechless. He realized that this phenomenon was too real to be a hallucination but-simultaneously-too impossible to be real. This was his first time feeling as if his heart was taken out of his body. Fortunately, despite his momentary blackout, he managed to run away from where he had been standing for the longest time. Having gotten into his car, he drove away without looking back. Later on, he spent his entire life mostly on rebutting people whose opinion was "There is no such thing as ghosts."


you're good. thx for correcting my writing. I didn't know "strapping" also means "big." Hmmm, technical stuff...definitely something i'm not good at. Why can't we use "woman-like"? I really wish you could give me the explanation from each correction you've made. I wonder if you're an english teacher or something. thx bro.
adirandom - 26/07/2008 02:53 AM
#44

Quote:
Original Posted By SEVENPOINT7
thx for ur correction. i appreciate it.
maybe i have to improve my writing again and again siul:
ok, i will write another short article again. and then i hope u will correct me later o

*and thanks for you all


you're welcome, bro. I think, you should improve your grammar skills first. When it comes to writing, people tend to see your grammar.
adirandom - 26/07/2008 02:59 AM
#45

Isn't it supposed to be: Subject + to be + V3 ....when we want to describe that someone is terrified by something? Like "That guy is frozen when he's seeing a ghost." Instead of "That guy froze when he's seeing a ghost." another case.... which one is correct: I panicked when I was caught in the act. or..... I was panicked when I was caught in the act.

?????? anybody.....??
morning-attack - 26/07/2008 03:08 AM
#46

Quote:
Original Posted By dark passenger
This thread is very interesting. But it seems strange only to be correcting others' writing, especially somebody up there posted an literary excerpt. I think it'd be better if we can also share tips in improving writing, or even the basics of writing.

Fluency in English and fluency in writing are two total different subjects.


IMHO,

writing is one of many tools of communications. the purpose, of course, is to make the target audience comprehen (which is at higher level? comprehen or understand?) and then absorb the informations the writer provide for them. thus, i think, grammar becomes flexible depending on the target audience and the topic we would be presenting. the tips will be simple, always refer to the basic concept : 5Ws & 1H. from there we will be able to present the more suitable and proper ways of writing.

CMIIW, and my apologies for such an awful .02 \)
morning-attack - 26/07/2008 03:14 AM
#47

Quote:
Original Posted By adirandom
Isn't it supposed to be: Subject + to be + V3 ....when we want to describe that someone is terrified by something? Like "That guy is frozen when he's seeing a ghost." Instead of "That guy froze when he's seeing a ghost." another case.... which one is correct: I panicked when I was caught in the act. or..... I was panicked when I was caught in the act.

?????? anybody.....??


IMHO,

you're referring to a reflex reaction. i think one's reflexes are always considered as a habit, which means the person would almost always do the reaction. so, the S + V form is used to describe such situation.

CMIIW.
adirandom - 26/07/2008 08:41 AM
#48

Quote:
Original Posted By morning-attack
IMHO,

you're referring to a reflex reaction. i think one's reflexes are always considered as a habit, which means the person would almost always do the reaction. so, the S + V form is used to describe such situation.

CMIIW.


it doesn't hold water. reflex reaction? how about the word terrified? and shocked? "I terrified" ???? or "I shocked" ???? I terrified who.... I shocked who?

those are transitive verbs. they need objects.
boladela - 26/07/2008 10:14 AM
#49

Quote:
Original Posted By adirandom
you're good. thx for correcting my writing. I didn't know "strapping" also means "big." Hmmm, technical stuff...definitely something i'm not good at. Why can't we use "woman-like"? I really wish you could give me the explanation from each correction you've made. I wonder if you're an english teacher or something. thx bro.


Thanks, glad to be of help (and btw, I'm a 'sis', lol). Unfortunately, I'm not an English teacher or anything and I'm really bad at explaining technical stuff...just like you know where to correct a sentence in Bahasa Indonesia but can't exactly pinpoint the basis for the editing esp. on subject, verb etc? Just read a lot and use English on a daily basis, I'm sure you'll master it in no time \)

In any case, I'll try to explain some of the rationale behind the edits:

A strapping middle-aged man got off his car and approached a mansion he assumed to be a cozy tavern he might stay in. Standing courageously right [COLOR="SlateGray"](replaced the word 'exactly' because first of all it doesn't read as well with the preceding 'courageously' but more importantly, the term 'exactly' isn't natural when used with 'in front' - E.g. you don't say "But I'm exactly here/ in front of you!" rather, you'd replace it with "But I'm right here!" or "But I'm at this exact spot!" etc.) in front of the old quiet house, he looked around a bit. He somehow (removed the dashes 'cos it just seemed an awkward pause in the beginning of the sentence, though I get what you're trying to imply. Plus, there's another set of dashes at the later part of the sentence which would have better emphasis once this is done) started to feel bad when he saw someone-or something-that he might not want to see for the rest of his life: (Joined the two sentences 'cos if you didn't, then the next sentence would seem disjointed context-wise) a womanish (I suppose you can still use woman-like, it just felt more natural to use 'womanish' in this caseo) figure with extremely long dark hair, floating a few inches above ('over' means covering the whole ground) the ground next to the big dwelling. She was staring at the terrified man with her jagged red eyes. The big man froze (as a reflexive verb - if you want to stress this state as a causal one, you can use terms such as 'It made him freeze on the spot' etc.) and was rendered speechless (If you're using 'speechlessly frozen', for example, this implies that he chose not to make any sounds while being frozen). He realized that this phenomenon was too real to be a hallucination ('impossible' when placed in this case i.e. 'too real to be impossible' can be interpreted in so many ways so it's vague; then again, if you say 'too impossible to be real' it seems natural - I really don't know how to explain this!malu\) but-simultaneously (think of 'as well' as 'too' and you'll see that it's unnatural to be placed in the middle of the sentence that way; you can use it if you paraphrase it as "...but too...to be real as well." Alternatively, you can use 'also' in the middle of the sentence but not 'too' or 'as well') -too impossible to be real. This (The previous sentences and the immediate ones after were descriptive of the experience rather than reflective, so I changed it to 'this' instead of 'that') was his first time feeling as if his heart was taken out of his body. Fortunately, despite his momentary blackout ('abrupt unconsciousness' implies lost consciousness under sudden or strange circumstances or unconscious within a sudden/ awkward timespan, which he wasn't - and the phrase itself doesn't read quite well) , he managed to run away from where he had been standing for the longest time. Having gotten into (implying he already managed to get into the car) his car, he drove away (it's understood that he drove away 'from there' since 'from there' is not specific either) without looking back. Later on, he spent his entire life mostly on rebutting ('argue' is used in conjunction with 'with', i.e. 'arguing with') people whose opinion was "There is no such thing as ghosts."[/COLOR]

Sorry if it's still vague, like I said, I can't explain it in technical terms really!
TheRealHandsome - 26/07/2008 10:15 AM
#50

Quote:
Original Posted By adirandom
Isn't it supposed to be: Subject + to be + V3 ....when we want to describe that someone is terrified by something? Like "That guy is frozen when he's seeing a ghost." Instead of "That guy froze when he's seeing a ghost." another case.... which one is correct: I panicked when I was caught in the act. or..... I was panicked when I was caught in the act.

?????? anybody.....??


The correct sentence should be:

     That guy froze when he saw a ghost.

You need to determine the proper tense to use. In this matter, we can split the sentence into two parts: the base sentence, and a time modifier:

     That guy froze + ... when .

The base sentence is in simple past tense, i.e., S + V2, since it tells about something that happened in the past as a simple fact.

The timeframe of follows the base sentence's time mark, i.e., past. Since the two events (guy froze and saw a ghost) happened at the same time instead of one-after-another, it follows that must be of simple past tense, too.

Now about the word terrified... you can use terrified both as a verb or as an adjective. For instance:

     verbal usage: I terrified them by jumping out of the closet dressed in a ghost costume.
     
adjectival usage: The terrified girls quickly realized what was going on and proceeded to hit me with whatever implements they have within their reach. Then, it was my turn to be terrified.

And finally, in your case, the correct sentence would be:

     I panicked when I was caught in the act.

      when
boladela - 26/07/2008 10:23 AM
#51

Quote:
Original Posted By adirandom
it doesn't hold water. reflex reaction? how about the word terrified? and shocked? "I terrified" ???? or "I shocked" ???? I terrified who.... I shocked who?

those are transitive verbs. they need objects.


Both 'terrified' and 'shocked' in the way you meant above are emotional states rather than reflex reactions, if you remove 'am' 'is' etc, they become actions that you impose upon someone/ something else. E.g.

A was terrified = A was experiencing terror. (came to be in that emotional state - not an action)
A terrified B = A imposed terror on B. (action unto others; again, not a reflex action)
morning-attack - 26/07/2008 10:29 AM
#52

i often see that kind of sentence in movies, so i tried to figure it out and made my own conclusion.

@adirandom, sorry i made a wrong explanation.

@handsome, thx heaps.

so guys, i suppose grammar IS flexible, right?
julitha - 26/07/2008 09:09 PM
#53

Hi...i don`t know why my speaking test always better than my writting test....can you help me to make it balance....??
ID* - 26/07/2008 09:29 PM
#54

try to correct this D

short and simple.

"He's counting down the days to go to xxx."
TheRealHandsome - 26/07/2008 09:51 PM
#55

Quote:
Original Posted By morning-attack
i often see that kind of sentence in movies, so i tried to figure it out and made my own conclusion.

@adirandom, sorry i made a wrong explanation.

@handsome, thx heaps.

so guys, i suppose grammar IS flexible, right?


grammar is not flexible...

... but vocabulary is \)
Rising Flames - 26/07/2008 11:01 PM
#56

Quote:
Original Posted By julitha
Hi...i don`t know why my speaking test always better than my writing test....can you help me to make it balance....??


usually people have it otherwise. maybe you can start by writing what you say
morning-attack - 27/07/2008 12:28 PM
#57

Quote:
Original Posted By TheRealHandsome
grammar is not flexible...

... but vocabulary is \)


got the point.. so i think, sentences and phrases can vary depending on the situation and the purpose.
TheRealHandsome - 27/07/2008 12:39 PM
#58

Quote:
Original Posted By morning-attack
got the point.. so i think, sentences and phrases can vary depending on the situation and the purpose.

Exactly.

Except when you're talking about 'ghetto English' or 'slang English'... then all the rules fly out of the window nohope:

     You ain't seen nuttin' yet!

See what I mean? o
morning-attack - 27/07/2008 12:51 PM
#59

Quote:
Original Posted By TheRealHandsome
Exactly.

Except when you're talking about 'ghetto English' or 'slang English'... then all the rules fly out of the window nohope:
     You ain't seen nuttin' yet!See what I mean? o


yep, song writers do that to achieve nicely done rhymes for their songs.
TheRealHandsome - 27/07/2008 12:54 PM
#60

Quote:
Original Posted By morning-attack
yep, song writers do that to achieve nicely done rhymes for their songs.

That's 'poetic license', and I have no problem with that \)

It's really tough when one first hear those gangsta/ghetto/nigga streettalnk nohope:
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